mum!

sense of being secured

Is it human nature to hold others responsible for all failures? Probably, previously when my cell used to ring I used to be happy; now, like me it has also become quiet. I am in love with this deafening quietness of myself. I have grown habituated with it. There is a continuous growth of these comfortable silences. Call it spaces, call it escapism, but it is me. Quiet, very quiet. I talk a lot nonsense with other mortal beings around me, the more I speak, the more the walls grow profound. It might even be that I am in a state of vacillation, trying to decipher whether the words should be out in open. Words hurt, yes they do. They do the most when they are truth. And yes, I have hurt ma with words. Still when I think of the words that were spoken, I sigh. I can sense the fingers turning cold. It is easy for a mother to forgive her child, but is it that easy to forgive yourself when you realize the damage. You don’t need big fights or a scene to spoil a relation, just a small gesture can put a death nail to it. As she says, relations are the most delicate things here. Be it with your mother or yourself. It needs to be taken care, once you fail and it's all gone. Ma I don’t know how to mend it, you are matured I know, but still I am scared.
Here I grow silent again!

Just me!

As they rightly say that every homecoming breeds a new skin, sometimes making us stronger and sometimes more detached. Do we all know what we are looking for? Well, I must confess that I’m still confused. I really don’t know what I want. What I am shunning myself from or is it just as rightly said is a mental block? From the city that healed most of my wounds to the city that make my bruises new, no wonder that even this visit left me wounded more! Now, after meeting plethora of expectations I have started revolting. I want to be me, little selfish but quiet; in fact very quiet. I think listening is the best way you can escape many troubles. Have I started pretending even to my mother? Don’t know, but yes I have pretended to be happy. I met all the known faces this time, leaving one whom I think I have left behind. But again I question, is the behind really behind. Still, I find this behind to be too much accessible, as if I need to just call a name. People just remind you of all the things that you want to close. Wish I had a lock that doesn’t have a key. Do we all get what we deserve? I have started poking myself with too many questions, no comma and definitely not a period. Time has just moved and it’ll be a year very soon. However, above all these things petty emotions I need to acknowledge one thing; I have moved away from many people. They don’t bother me at all. Though at times for the sake of respect, for mother, for society, for obligation, or as you say duty I flesh out some finance here and there or fake a smile, but I know what exactly I do! Funny isn’t it? We grow up, we grow out, or we just become selfish! Yes selfish, that is what life has taught me these last six months. You need to learn to be selfish. The moment you accept, some use you, some expect more, some despise, and yet others rebuke. What I have transformed into I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I need to focus. Just one at a time − prudently and maturely for when I purchase the next flight ticket to come back to this city I don’t know whether I’ll be excited or it’ll be just yet another selfish act. I hope that selfishness just doesn’t triumph against my simple humanity.